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Dear Women It's Not Your Fault ... What your husband may not tell you about pornography.

Today we have a guest post from Bill Ruzicka. 

Bill's blogging home is at Redefined Manhood where he writes with the intention of redefining this fallen world’s definition of what manhood is, into whom God created them to be.

In today's post Bill addresses women sharing the idea that her husband's pornographic addiction isn't her fault. I am personally praying that these words will be forged into the hearts of hurting women, and reach desperate men with a message of hope. 

Dear Women,
It's time for a man to be honest with you about pornography. It's time that a man informs you why, not all, but A LOT of men are addicted to porn. I'm going to be honest, up front, and candid with you.

I want to make one thing clear...It has nothing to do with you! Let me repeat has nothing to do with you!

It's not the look of your face, the shape of your body, what clothes you wear,  how you wear make up, what you say, whether you exercise or not, the style of your hair, who you look like, or how you act that stirred the fascination with porn within our minds.

All of the a reasons that I just listed are nothing more than excuses. Excuses to cover up the shame, embarrassment, and humiliation of being uncovered as addicted to porn.

This discussion is for the women whose husbands have been caught looking at or watching pornography. This is for the women who feel that they are in a loving relationship with the man of their dreams, but one day find explicit pictures on a computer, smart phone, or adult magazines in the house.

I know that men have eyes for beauty, the female form, and attraction to the opposite sex. God designed us that way.  That is what led your husband to you in the first place.  Without attraction to women, there would be FAR fewer people in this world as a result. We will always be drawn to the female form. God created us to be attracted to you. And you do a great job of being attractive.

But the problem lies in the fact that sin crept into the world waaaaaaay back in Genesis in the bible. The devil has a VERY sneaky way of exploiting our weaknesses. He knows that our hearts and minds can be corrupted. He knows where to hit us in our weak spots.
Don't get mad at Adam and Eve.  It's not their fault.

It's still our fault.  Men need to know when not to take the second look.  Remember, above I mentioned that men have eyes for attractive beauty? Looking more than once at a woman led us to you. If we looked away after only seeing you once, we never would have married you. Looking twice, and into the counts of a thousand times, was part of what helped us to fall in love with you.

And after marriage, it is a simple fact that there are beautiful women in this world. Noticing them once is not a sin. The same way you can notice a handsome man. It's AFTER we married you, and we notice women not only once, but then take that second look that it becomes sinful. Sexually sinful.

In 2 Samuel 11, Kind David goes out onto one of the roofs of the palace and sees Bathsheba bathing naked below. If he had simply seen her, looked away, and never had another thought about her, the story would have ended there. Unfortunately, he continued to look, sent his messengers for her, and committed adultery with her, for she was married to one of his generals, Uriah.  She gets pregnant, and later, he has Uriah killed (though indirectly) as a way to cover up the pregnancy and adultery.

That second look led to blood shed. It is that SECOND look that causes so many problems.

Here is where the problem begins. See, somewhere along the way, your husband was introduced to pornography. Whether it was a magazine, pictures, movies, the internet.  It doesn't matter what the source was. What matters is that he saw it once, and then looked a second time, and likely many, many more times after that. It may have been early in life like myself and so many other boys. We had no idea what we were being introduced to.  Or it may have happened later in life. High school, college, the work place.

It's not that the pictures were any more beautiful than you.  It's simply that the intrigue of the female body spoke to the parts of his brain that are wired for opposite sex attraction.
And this is where the addiction begins. It's the attraction to an unknown, attractive woman on a screen, page, or television where it seems like the only one she's focused on is your husband. She is seducing him. It is that connection to the porn actress that reinforces that artificial, yet intimate, connection to your husband.

It is emotionally, hormone driven pleasure that builds the connection to pornography. Because pornography often leads to masturbation, eventually after much time, the sources of stimulation no longer have the same effect on his brain, and he requires something more to satisfy his desires. This can lead from pornography to adultery, or prostitution, or other abhorrent sexual behaviors.

All because he took that second look.

Does this sound familiar? Doesn't this remind you of another sin - drug addiction?
Even though they know it's wrong, there isn't much they can do to keep from falling deeper into addiction. Most men know that what they're doing is wrong.  If they didn't, they wouldn't look at porn with the doors locked, or when no one is at home.

Most men would like to be free from the addiction of porn.  Many have tried, only to slip up again and look at porn when tempted. It's that constant on again, off again relationship with porn that can become tiring. They know they desire you, but the bind to pornography is too tough to conquer alone.

But to give up pornography is truly freeing. It's breaking the chains of slavery to sexual sin that allow your husband to live free.

I know that from your point of view as a wife, it's hard not to internalize your husbands addiction to pornography as a personal attack against you. I promise you, it's not you!

It's so much more complicated, biological, hormonal, and tied to evil than simply because he doesn't love you, or isn't attracted to you. Yes, pornography is a sin. God hates it. But, it's no different than any other sin. He hates those too.

While I know it breaks your heart to have discovered this addiction, there is hope. There needs to be healing - for both of you.

There needs to be a desire to keep from falling into pornographic sin.

That comes through prayer. Through counseling with a christian pastor. Through devotion to online studies that help deal with sexual sin, such as XXX Church, Setting The Captives Free, and Fight The New Drug.

I promise you, there is freedom from pornography.  For both you and your husband.

When you are overwhelmed remember this

The world can be troubling. It saddens us with its evils and burdens us with its trials.

On the other hand, there is also good in our world. We have opportunities like never before to spread hope into broken places. We have the chance to live our lives out before a fallen world and be the change that we pray to see.

Whether good or bad we most often perceive our situation based on our focus.   

Let me encourage you that when you get overwhelmed by this world not to give up on the people in it. Instead let love, grace, and hope abound knowing that Jesus has overcome the world. So instead of allowing ourselves to stay overwhelmed let our focus be on the One who has overcome. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NIV

Escape the Noise. Tune into Value.


Ever feel like there is a lot of noise in the world, and your voice just adds to it?

I know I do. I don't think it's intentional. It's just human nature. I'm selfish. I want my voice heard. I want to speak my mind. I want to lobby for what makes me comfortable, and I don't care whose news feed I flood with it. 

And from the looks of social media, I'm not the only one working this system.

So are we wrong? I wouldn't say wrong. Freedom of speech is an amazing thing. I would say however that we aren't always helpful. 
Sometimes the noise crowds our life and spirit. If we aren't careful, we could get so tangled up comparing ourselves to the life appearance of others that before we know it we have strayed far from our purpose and passion and found ourselves unfulfilled. 
If you are tired this cycle and have found yourself entangled in comparisons and unproductive wonderings or have lost your vision, here is what I'm suggesting. We cut through the unneccesary noise and become intentional about what we allow to come into and out of our lives. 

I believe that we can do this with one simple question: Does this message add value ... ?  

If it is a message you are taking into your life, does it add value to your personal, emotional, and spiritual growth while staying in line with your unique purpose? If it is a message you are sharing with others, does it add value to the receipent while staying true to who you are? Answering yes signals you proceed while answering no cautions you to stop. 

Now we're ready to tune out the noise and tune into value. 

Above everything else, guard your heart. It is where your life comes from.
                                                                                                    (Proverbs 4:23 NIrV)

Help Bring The Children of DRC Home

(photo via Numbering Our Days)

When I came across the petition and news story about the children in the Democratic Republic of Congo who have been legally adopted yet not allowed to exit, passion and purpose stirred inside me.

These children have families ready to love them, see their potential, and give them a chance at a better life. These children, who others may have cast to the side, are desperately wanted by the families in America who wait. 

The idea of being wanted. Isn't it at the core of each us? When someone chooses us, it has the power to heal and open up a hope we may not have otherwise known. 

Being raised by a daddy who chose me and loves me with the depths of his being, I can say I have experienced the healing that being wanted brings.

Running Cool Table Ministries with the purpose of showing others that they have potential and a place to belong, I can say that I have seen what that hope can do. 

And now as I look to this story of hundreds of children who are waiting for the same healing and hope, I ask you to act. Be a part of their beautiful story. Read, sign, and share the petition.

Sign the petition here.