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I haven't written in a while simply because I haven't made the time. I have a problem with boundaries. I have a problem with saying yes. I have a problem with perfection. I have a problem with seeing the big picture and expecting it immediately. So maybe that last sentence was too wordy. It should have said, I have a problem with patience.
Yet with all the wrong I am able to admit, I still find it difficult to show myself grace. Grace stops wth me. I seem to require more of myself than I do of others. I linger in the planning stages of things because I fear executing the plan and getting it wrong, but it's not really failure that I fear. It's rejection. It's feeling inadequate. It's being devalued.
I work really hard to notice value in others and strive to find the strengths rather than highlighting weaknesses. (Well except for my husband. Don't ask my husband, then this entire thought will be blown.) Yet, when I make a mistake I get that pit in my stomach like everybody is staring and pointing. Now, I realize that isn't actually happening because people have much better things to do with their time, but somehow it feels so real. The mistake begins to chip away at my value. It's like getting moved to the clearance rack with a "reduced" sticker brightly displayed over my former worth.
Now although I battle this in my own brain, I'm not a fan of this thinking. I know the truth is that my value is not wrapped up in my performance. I also know that perfection isn't an achievable goal, but excellence is. I also understand that there is positive potential in every situation. Even with this knowledge it never seems to rise to the surface when needed most.
Maybe you are thinking, me too! So how then do we overcome the mindset that we know is incorrect? We change our thinking, or more accurately stated, we change where we focus our thinking. We don't allow the thought to be the reality, but rather allow the reality (the truth of value and potential) to be the thought because what we think, we become. We take control of our minds. We purposefully and intentionally redirect our thoughts to truth.
It's most definitely a process that will take work and time and may even be painful at moments, especially those moments when self pity, anger, and bitterness feel so comfortable. Still, to succeed we must do the work, create the mental routine, and endure the struggle. If we'll do that, I've heard that it will transform our minds.
This is from the me that is in the process of changing the focus of my thinking. Maybe if the you reading this is at a similar state you can join me on the journey. Let's focus our thoughts on true value and worth, strive for excellence in all things, and allow the grace we have for others to flow into our own lives.
